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Can Your Business Survive a Snowstorm?
I had to teach the class. There really wasn’t any alternative, and when we left the ‘Bow, the sun was shining, and the roads were bare and dry, all the way to Laramie (about 60 miles of open road).
Alex had a doctor’s appointment, so we took care of that, did some shopping, through more fine weather. Just as we parked outside the campus to unload our equipment, the snow started to fly. It came down hard and heavy until it was time for the class to start, after which it stopped.
When it was time to go home, the roads were still bare and dry on the Laramie end, but they were closed. No traffic allowed through. I-80 was also closed. Highway 487 was closed as well. All roads into Medicine Bow were locked down.
We hoped they would open. They did not. It got late, and I got hungry again, so we had a late dinner, then went to find a hotel. Rates in the Laramie area have recently almost doubled. So an $80 room was pretty awful. I didn’t mind the walls that were patched and repainted. I didn’t mind the obviously worn bedframes. I did mind the mattress that had seen better years, and I minded the partially functional heater that kept us in a state of not-quite-sleep through a very long night. I woke at about 6:00 in the morning, unable to bear the discomfort in my legs anymore, and with a nasty headache creeping in around my eyes – doubtless from sleeping without my CPAP mask. I got online, and checked the roads, just before my laptop gave me a low battery warning. I had not thought to pack the adapter, we had only intended to use it a little.
Kevin awoke about 2 hours later. He figured we’d get on the road early. I had to inform him that the roads were still closed. We called the kids, called a friend to check on them – she said that the ‘Bow was a white-out. It was still sunny and fine in Laramie, though bitter cold. We now faced not only the cost of the night out, but more meals, and the prospect of a day of lost work. With several contracts with urgent work to do, losing a day of work was NOT a good option.
We wandered to Staples to see if they had a power adapter that would work with my laptop. We struck out, but came up with Plan 2 – if absolutely necessary, we’d buy another cheap laptop to get by with until we could get back home. Not our favorite plan. We went up to Wal-Mart to see what they had. Nothing, and the laptop options were more expensive than Staples, so we headed back there. Staples advised us to try Radio Shack. We did.
Two helpful guys at the Laramie Radio Shack went to work on trying to find adapters that worked with our laptops. They opened three different ones to find an adapter that worked with my laptop, and searched to get the correct polarity setting. Then they did the same for Kevin’s. It took them about half an hour to come up wtih a solution for both of us. They also checked the roads for us again – still closed.
We headed up to the college, where I have internet access (as an adjunct instructor). We’ll have to camp out in the lobby there, until the roads open, or we are forced to go get another hotel room – hopefully one more comfortable than the last one. We are checking the roads every half hour or so.
Here is the point… I did not think when we left that we’d end up trapped here for so long. We’ve felt that our business was mobile, but I’ve realized that unless I have a spare power adapter that I can keep in my laptop case, I always run the risk of being caught without if I forget it. A laptop is only as good as the power source.
I’ll be tucking a brush and toothbrush into my case also. This is a situation I do not want to find myself in again, totally unprepared.
It does beg the question, how much is prepared enough? I don’t have the answer to that, but I’m realizing that as our business grows, and more people depend on us, that we have to be able to work from wherever we are, under virtually any circumstances. Less than that puts us in a bind if an emergency happens.
A snowstorm is really only one hazard.
Learning to Delegate
I’m good at giving orders. I can organize, order, and instruct quite well. As long as the person I’m giving orders to once had their diaper changed by me…
It has been interesting learning to do that with business (give the orders, not change the diapers). Because it isn’t just the ability to give orders, I also have to correct people when they get it wrong, and instruct them in how to get it right. I also have to “compartmentalize” the work that needs to be done – that is, break off logical sections to delegate.
I actually think that it is the last part that has been the hardest. Partly because of my perceptions of other people, and partly because you really have to think about which tasks can be handed off to someone else without creating more work in the process. And because with Kevin, at least, he has been learning. So I have to keep readjusting the categorizations of tasks that I can hand him. Business is not the same two days in a row!
Lately, we have taken on some subcontractors – an SEO assistant, a design assistant, a template coder, and most recently a writing assistant. It was difficult to even determine at first which specialties I needed, and which ones COULD be outsourced in an efficient manner. It almost happens in “oh duh” moments. In the middle of wondering how I’ll fit something in, or how I’ll approach it, I suddenly realize that someone else could do it. Or I realize that a set of tasks that I previously did not have much of, I now have enough of to outsource. Last week I realized that someone whom I had hired for one purpose could actually do another job as well – what a great thing it was to hand that off and have it come back done exactly to my expectations.
I have to keep reassessing my own position. I’ve moved from being responsible for doing everything, to just being responsible for everything. There is a difference. I sort of like a lot of it – I mean, I can send specs to someone, and have the results appear 24 hours or so later, and I can just take that and use it. The invoice gets sent to Kevin (in his role as office manager), and everything is done without the least fuss from me. I don’t have to figure out the books anymore, I don’t have to sit there with a brain freeze when I hit a mind block in the design process, and I don’t have to sort through CSS trying to find the one contrary bit that is making the whole thing go wacky. But I can do some of the really fun stuff that I’m not ready to let go yet, like the header that I got to hand paint using the Wacom. Gotta love that!
Our business is evolving. Thankfully, so am I. I just hope that my rate of learning keeps up with the growth rate of the business!
Seeking Refuge in Company Policy
We used to be pretty flexible about how we did business. Then somebody messed with us. We instituted a retainer. Our clients pretty much understand that they are a person who can run away, but we are a company with a reputation on the line. Traditionally, the benefit of the doubt has always been with the company, so this policy was a good one, and normal for our industry.
We began using a contract fairly early. We refined the contract bit by bit into something that was fairly simplified, but still contained enough legal language to be enforceable. It covers copyrights, delivery of the service, and intellectual property rights. Essential stuff. The language about what we deliver is simplified so that it is as untechnical as possible. But it still has to include technical terms, or it isn’t enforceable.
Many of our clients are confused by it – they call me and say, “What does this mean?” I explain, and I tell them why it is there, and how it protects them, and if there are any risks in it for them. Those who can afford to have their legal counsel take a look. We’ve used it with government entities, non-profits, and small corporations, and a host of tiny companies. No one has complained about the actual terms. They feel they are fair.
Our policies and standards have developed over time, through experience and need. We’ve been careful to make sure that they protect our customers as much as they protect us, often more.
I had a complaint about our contract, and our retainer policy recently. The business owner complained about the contract having legal language! Then they complained about the retainer – even though this same business owner charges a retainer for their own services, of three times as much as we were asking.
Now sometimes, I’ll make an exception. Once in a while, when I know someone, I’ll do work that they pay me for later. On occasion I’ll work without a contract for small bits of work, but never for a website (ok, once, on a bartered one!). And these people do not EXPECT me to make exceptions. They appreciate the contract, and they expect to have to abide by industry norms. Retainers are the norm.
I’ve learned that those who DO expect me to make exceptions, or who try to batter me down, are assuming I am deciding these things on a whim. They do not understand that companies operate by rules because those rules facilitate smooth business. When you move from sole proprietor to corporation, you have to start formulating sustainable policy. And then you, yourself, have to stick to it. To treat someone like they should set aside their policy is to belittle them and their professionalism.
Our company policy is what it is for good reason. I cannot make an exception without good reason. I am rather thankful that I have intelligent policy to fall back on. It helps me not have to wonder so much whether I SHOULD make an exception. When I don’t feel comfortable extending that, I have it to fall back on. “I’m sorry. This is our company policy, and I am not able to make an exception.”
I think there are some people whom I should choose not to do business with. And at times, company policy has helped determine who that is. I think it is a good thing.
Web Differences We Don’t Notice
There is a difference between doing business offline, and doing business online. And it takes some time to learn what some of the subtle differences are. One of the biggest is, that you are presenting blindfolded, to a mute audience.
Good tracking, and good analysis can only partially make up for the fact that you cannot see how your customer reacts, nor can you hear what they are thinking. You can only measure that they stayed, bought, or left.
When you meet a potential client, and tell them what you do, they give you feedback – their expression, their questions, or their disinterest. You can adjust, and make up for a bad first impression, and they may change their mind and listen. You can clarify a confusing point, and move on to build a relationship with them.
In a store situation, if a customer has questions, you can answer them. They can pick up an item, handle it, and see the size for themselves. If they want something that you HAVE, but which is still boxed up in the back room, you can run get it and present it then and there.
With used items, they can examine it for themselves, judge the degree of wear, look for identifying marks that would tell them whether it is of extraordinary value or not.
Online, all of those things change.
- If your explanations are confusing, most people WON’T ask. They leave. You don’t know why.
- If your descriptions are ambiguous, people usually won’t ask for more detail – they’ll go to a store that has it already.
- If your photos are unclear, they won’t be able to see for themselves.
- Since they cannot handle something to examine it up close, they’ll rely on good descriptions and photos of used items. Otherwise, they’ll be afraid to buy.
- Even if you post a message that you may have other items, most people won’t inquire. If you do not post a notice, they won’t ask at all.
Most of the time, there is no second chance. You don’t get the same cues and ability to adjust that you get in real life. You get one chance, the first time, and if you muff it, they leave. Some of the rules to compensate are:
- Get to the point. Make your meaning clear using common keywords, but also using keywords that someone might use who is not familiar with your industry terms.
- Organize things logically, so they can find it easily. Use web standards for locations, page names, and site structures.
- Put contact info right out front. Make it easy for them to ask questions or contact you. This is even more important for service businesses that do not use a shopping cart.
- Make descriptions clear, complete, and detailed. More information is better in this instance. Of course, since some people will be put off by huge descriptions, it is wise to have a short description which is linked to a more detailed description.
- Provide clear photos. If an item is used and has damage, photograph the damage. They are relying on you to be their eyes and hands – so be meticulous.
- Never exaggerate the value of something. Be 100% accurate in how you describe things. Otherwise you’ll appear dishonest. Offline, it is common to exaggerate, because the customer can feel it and judge for themselves. Online, the marketplace rules change, and they have to trust you to do that for them, so accuracy is very important.
- Anticipate common questions, fears, or concerns, and address them up front. Provide an FAQ, an informational area, or details to answer those questions ahead of time.
- If you have additional stock, either get it up fast, or post a notice on every page that additional items may be available.
- Think about it from the customer’s standpoint. What do they want? Is it easy for them to find it? Can they know for certain that you have it?
- Present for the lowest common denominator. Your information needs to be for the least familiar of customers. If you provide information for more informed customers, then it needs to be in a “more details” type presentation – simplified here, more details here, in a way that is easy for the more informed customers to find.
While new and more interactive options are available all the time, for the most part, web marketing is still passive marketing. You present, they do with it what they choose. Your success depends entirely upon what you present, and how.
Make it easy for them to buy from you. That doesn’t mean manipulation, it means anticipating their needs, and meeting them in an efficient way. And THAT is the mark of good customer service, and consideration.
Employee, or Entrepreneur?
It is becoming increasingly clear to me that the qualities of an employee, and the qualities of an entrepreneur, are radically different. Being the boss, the developer, the navigator, the leader and the executor of a business plan is a set of jobs that the average employee has difficulty grasping.
I’ve watched my husband make the transition from “company man” to a business owner. It has been very difficult for him. It is only as I watched him that I began to understand why I’ve watched so many friends and family members fail at business ownership.
As a mom of many children, I had to lead. I had to determine what was best, then see to it that it got done in an efficient manner. I had to teach my children how to do the things that I needed them to do. This was excellent preparation for business ownership. Even so, I struggle with many growth and delegation issues.
We were called by a prospect recently, who had big plans. He called regularly for many days, discussing the plans. After talking to him just once, I felt he would not carry out the plans. He had many ideas, but no real direction, and no ability to commit to a course of action, and carry it out. When it came time to “cross the Rubicon”, he could not pick a ford – he kept looking for a shallower spot, so he never crossed.
I mentioned it to my son – and said that the man was ex-military, so he did not know how to be the real leader. My son protested that if the man were in the military, he would learn to lead. I agreed that he would learn to follow orders, and ensure that the personnel under him followed orders, but reasserted that it does not teach someone how to be THE leader. All decisions at the top are made by committee, and no one has full authority to develop a plan independently and carry it out themselves. It is quite unlike the leadership required to run one’s own business.
The same is true of major corporations. The cogs in the wheel are unprepared to BECOME the wheel. Again, no single person is responsible for the direction, execution, and performance of the entire plan. It is all done by groups.
When you begin a business as a sole proprietor, it is all you. You must learn to juggle, prioritize, and act with dispatch. To plan well, and then to commit to a course, and go boldly forward. If assessment is needed, you must do it. You must learn to examine yourself for shortcomings, then devise solutions to compensate. Failure to do all that results in failure of the business.
Not everyone has the ability to be a successful business owner. But then, not every one NEEDS to. If you do need to though, it is wise to realize that new skills are needed, and that you cannot be an employee in your own business. If you are waiting for someone else to tell you what to do, your business will never get off the ground.
When do you Listen to the Experts?
I’ve consulted a number of business “experts” about issues in my business. Some of them have been very helpful about general things. The rare one has been helpful about specific things. An alarming number were no help at all, for one primary reason:
- They did not understand what my business is, and they did not “hear” when I tried to explain. They wanted to make my business conform to their idea of what it should be, rather than seeing what I wanted it to become and then stepping outside their box to help me make it into that vision.
One expert told me, “Your business is just like every other small business website design company. How are you going to differentiate yourself?” This, after I had just explained how we were different, and what made our business so revolutionary. They didn’t have enough of an understanding of the web development world to even have a clue what we were saying.
Another told me to choose the line that was the most profitable and forget the other two. I tried to explain that was precisely what made our business revolutionary and gave it the potential to be something more than just “another web firm”. If I focus on web development without the rest, we are just another company. If I focus on teaching, I lose the ability to teach anything new because I have no experience in which to develop the strategies that make my teaching effective (a primary problem with most web development training is that it is taught by teachers who have little real-life experience, and NO microbusiness experience). If I focus solely on the trade association, I lose the ability to benefit the members with training, and I lose the edge of day to day experience with clients – the very thing that makes the trade association work. All three, together, can reshape an industry and have HUGE potential. One, by itself, is just another in a long line of ineffective attempts to make something great. The expert didn’t get it, because he didn’t want to listen.
- Any time an expert hands out canned information that is not applicable to your situation, you need to have the confidence to disregard it.
- If an expert hands out information that could be adapted to apply, you need to have the confidence to adapt it – and keep asking until you learn how.
- If you explain something to an expert, and they still hand you the same thing they handed you before you explained, then find another expert because this one isn’t listening.
Business counsel is not a “one size fits all” solution to every business problem. This is especially true if you are developing a revolutionary concept. You need to work with people who are willing to see the “ah-ha” moment in your concept, who are willing to catch the potential, who can get excited about it and then use their skills to help you develop the potential that is there.
Training, consultation, and coaching can be a huge help in getting over a hurdle in your business. But only if the expert is willing to listen long enough to understand just what it is you are trying to achieve. Otherwise, their guidance is going to be useless, and potentially harmful to your ability to achieve.
The Delicate Art of Article Writing
I notice that I learn things, and never really realize that I’ve learned them until I see someone else who hasn’t.
After a disappointing meeting with a prospect yesterday, I did some research on their behalf. The meeting was disappointing not because I did not make a sale – hey, that happens, and I can live with that. It was disappointing because they did not understand what I was trying to tell them. This became painfully clear when I began researching the marketing that had been done for them in the last year.
They told me that article marketing had been done for them. I went digging. I was able to turn up only three mentions on Google of articles with their URL in them. I found a gaggle of them on Yahoo though. And I wish I hadn’t.
The articles were full of gramatical errors, childish statements, wandering sentences, awkward phrases, and worse. They gave no new information, had no appeal. Reading them was painful – I had to force myself to read more than a paragraph because it was hard to follow the convoluted sentences. It had all the feel of someone writing in a second language – one they were almost, but not quite, fluent in. These articles will never be picked up by anyone else and reprinted – no one cares for such poor stuff. Google didn’t bother with them, and no one else will either.
I wish those were the only problems though. It was just the beginning.
First, was the glaring one. The potential legal issues. One article made MORE than suggestive claims of a guarantee on a service that could not possibly be guaranteed. I know for a fact that the owners of the site would never wish such information to be published in their name. Yet they are the ones legally liable for the information in the article, and that article is grounds for a lawsuit by someone who has a bad outcome. Another article made a statement that screening eliminated risks – again, in a profession where risks can never be eliminated entirely. This writer not only stuck their foot in it and dragged the client with them, they set up a legal time bomb. One which may come back to harm the site owner years later.
Second, the articles were not written as article marketing. They were merely thrown together using keywords as a guide for what to write about. There was no effort to target the messages as marketing messages – in fact, some of them were repelling rather than encouraging. They had hyped titles, failed to make any kind of useful conclusion, and often talked more about the negatives than the positives. Not one single article addressed the one compelling reason why someone might choose the site owner’s service over the competition. Not one addressed the one major reason why someone might NOT choose the site owner’s service over the competition. Good marketing messages are a subtle, and often delicate thing to pin down. But they are absolutely ESSENTIAL to successful article marketing.
If you write about a topic for marketing purposes, you must do two things:
1. Provide value to the potential customer. This doesn’t mean writing what you want to write, or just researching a topic and writing about it. It means you have to think about what motivates the customer. What do they want, what are their fears, desires, and hopes? What questions do they have that you can provide an answer for? Provide THEIR value, and article marketing works. But to do that, it is essential that you understand the mind of the customer, and how to address their needs a little, before the sale.
2. Provide information that leads them to you. I’m not talking about the signature line. I’m talking about not giving away your business in your articles, while still providing value. Write about topics that they need to know about as a CUSTOMER, not as a Do-It-Yourselfer (unless your customers are do-it-yourselfers). Consider topics about how to choose service (and give it some teeth, not the usual drivel), how to check up on a hired professional, how to care for their purchases, how to evaluate the value of a product or service, changes in your industry, applied technologies in regard to your product or service (things that predict industry trends, or that enhance value). There are all kinds of topics you can write about which help the customer, but which don’t try to make the customer into the expert.
It is a delicate art. And it is something which requires experience and practice to get right. If you are in a business involving legal, medical, business, financial, or other professional information, then you also need to make sure that certain safeguards are observed to keep you from being held liable for careless statements.
So if you are hiring article marketing services, how do you know if you are getting full value?
1. Ask to review all articles before they are published. You will be legally responsible for every word printed at your request. Make certain that what goes out is worthy of having your name on it! Check to see if it is original, fun to read, informative. Think like your customers – will they appreciate this?
2. Ask for a listing of every place the article was published. This is valuable for two reasons – you can make sure the article was actually posted, and if you learn later that something in an article is inaccurate or that it has a serious problem, you know where to go to start the recall process.
3. Make sure you check out examples of writing before you hire. Sadly, the company that published the articles I was so distressed over had similar writing on their home page. Had the people who hired them read that page, and really thought about it, they’d have hired someone else.
4. Expect to be involved. Any professional who claims to write for your business CANNOT do a good job without involving you. They need to know what makes your business unique. They need you to check to ensure that articles are accurate according to YOUR position on the topic (they can research all they want, but they won’t write what you want if you don’t get involved). Expect to have to brainstorm with a writer for new topics every once in a while – expect to talk things over with them, suggest new directions to go, and work with them. A motivated writer will be giving as many ideas as they get from you, but together you’ll do much more. And a good writer will consider you to be their best resource, and will want to work with you to produce the best possible marketing for your business.
Quality costs more. But what is the use of paying for bad writing that harms your company? Like feathers on the wind, an article carelessly loosed on the web can never be fully taken back. Making sure it is good before it goes is your only means of ensuring that it will go on promoting you well for years to come, instead of giving you a black eye every time you turn around.
The delicate art is worth learning. Because the power of good writing truly is phenomenal.
10 Things for MicroBusiness Owners to Do Over the Holidays
An adaptation of an idea from Tech Republic.
Their article lists things that are appropriate for corporations. But most microbusiness owners would look at that list and say, “What documentation?”, or “What network?”. But the idea of using any holiday downtime for catching up on things you might not think of doing when you are busier is a good one, and easily adaptable for a smaller work environment.
1. Evaluate your business for implementing new efficiency strategies. Look at the repetitive things you do, and think about how you can speed them up by preparing templates, reorganizing workspace, or other simple methods to speed up your work.
2. Backup your website and hard drive files. Something that is often overlooked. While you are at it, create a plan for regular backups, and figure out how to stick to it!
3. Look for equipment that is wasting your time. Consider the cost of replacement, and devise a plan to afford upgrading. Prioritize to figure out what will be most cost effective to upgrade.
4. If you plan on growth, begin to document policy, procedure, and training materials. If someone came into your company tomorrow as an associate or employee, what would you need them to know, and to be able to refer back to? What would you want them to agree to if they worked with you? Write these things down. They will not be consistently delivered unless you write them down. Laying groundwork for growth can help make it go more smoothly when it comes.
5. Organize your information – Improve your paper filing system, or download a free copy of Notesbrowser (http://www.notesbrowser.com) to keep those bits of information organized that you keep losing. I use Notesbrowser for task lists, instructions that I find online that I don’t want to have to keep looking up, to organize URLs when my Bookmarks list gets too cluttered, to keep notes about clients, and much more.
6. Make sure your firewall is on, your AV software is up-to-date, and that your Anti-Spyware software is working. Just check to make sure that the basic security measures are in place for your desktop computer. If you use a dynamic website (a shopping cart or a complex website with a login), make sure the software that runs it is up-to-date as well.
7. If you are feeling like you are fragmented, this is a good time to analyze your business and see what is profitable and what is not. Prune out the things that waste your time but don’t bring a return, and then focus your efforts on the things that do work, and the things that you most want to be doing.
8. If you are in that awkward stage of not having enough money to hire, but not having enough YOU to keep up, you can benefit from some analysis and planning here also. Consider the tasks that you might be able to save money on if you hired a sub-contractor to do them – less complicated than hiring an employee, and a sub-contractor can do bits of work here and there. Think about how you intend to grow, and begin laying the groundwork in how you handle higher workloads. Look for opportunities rather than limitations, and see if you can come up with some workable solutions to bridge the gap from overworked, to sustainable growth.
9. Get some training. Take the time to pick up a manual, practice using a new piece of software, testing out some new skills or technologies, or catching up on the latest industry news. Choose something enjoyable that still gives you something valuable, and you’ll emerge refreshed and enlightened.
10. If you know that you are in for a longer lull after the first of the year (many businesses slump during that time), then create a plan for how you will cope with the extended down-time. Determine which activities will enhance your business in the best way, and consider ways to implement alternative revenue generation that either remains stable, or which increases during the time in which your current business lines dip.
Of course, you may not have Holiday Downtime. Your slack may come at another time of year. If you are just hanging on till you can catch your breath, then it is a good time to make a list of the things that are the most annoying when you are rushed, so you can create a plan to work on a solution to those annoyances the next time you do have downtime.
Either way, don’t forget why you are in business, and find the time to enjoy your business, and your family.
Christmas Survival Strategy
I have an infallible strategy for surviving Christmas. Since I have lots of kids, and lots of extended family, and a business, Christmas survival is very important. If I tried to do it all, I’d crumple into the corner in a sobbing heap and not get back up! So here is my three part strategy:
1. Procrastinate as long as possible on gift buying. This frees me from worry until at least a week before Christmas!
2. I don’t. I don’t decorate, I don’t bake, I don’t dress in cute Christmassy Clothes, I don’t worry about being festive. I just try to be kind, try to get through what is most important each day, and don’t worry about what anyone else might think. My kids decorate the tree and cut out paper snowflakes, and do other festive stuff. I let them and feel grateful that I don’t have to fuss with it. I do sing carols, we sing in a production of the Messiah, and we have Christmas traditions. I just don’t overload myself with it.
3. I’m cheap. I don’t overload the credit cards or spend excessive amounts. $20 is the limit that we spend on ANYBODY at Christmas, unless we do something special for the family. Usually my limits are even lower than that. If I tried to do something extravagant for everyone on our list, I’d spend more than we earn in a month. So frugal is the order of the day. We do try to select things that are useful, appropriate, and that are selected for the individual in question.
Yes, I suppose I am sort of extreme about some of these things, but the alternative is getting out of my depth, getting warped every Christmas, and feeling overwhelmed. I refuse to do that, because frankly, all those things just AREN’T really important! Caring for my family, meeting the needs of our clients so our family can eat, and making sure that my marriage is strong are the priorities. When anything else cuts into those, out it goes! There just isn’t room in my life for all the trivialities.
Who is it that decides that you have to have your house decked out to the point of frenzy, the freezer full of hand-baked goods, and the tree loaded with thousands of dollars of gifts anyway? I’ll tell you who:
Sellers
They don’t want you to do this to make you happy. They want you to do this to BUY THINGS. Decorations, gifts, ingredients. They don’t care if you are benefited by it or not.
You can have a perfectly happy Christmas with a few strands of decorations that your kids made, some gifts that you purchased from love instead of a desire to impress, and with a few carefully chosen items that you made just because they were the ones you thought were most important.
The key to it is to determine not which things are VISIBLE, but which things have the most MEANING. Keep them. Let the rest go.
Bad Ugly Man
The class was talking about how the search engines or Google AdSense may key in on phrases you did not think they would. One of the students spoke up and asked if he could tell a story about that. I said, “of course!”. This was his story:
He had put a web page up, which addressed a technical topic. It had a photo of himself on the page. He watched his traffic, and soon found that he was getting a lot of traffic from Google Images, for the term, “bad ugly man”. He then discovered that if he searched on that term, his picture was the top item returned.
Turns out, his technical topic was “(subject), The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly”. Google paired it up with his photo in an unexpected way! A simple disallow tag for his images folder in his robots.txt file solved the problem, but his illustration was priceless.
AdSense and search engines both do sometimes pull out keywords that you do not expect. This can be a good thing in many instances, because it means that you do not have to worry about overanalyzing keywords or calculating keyword density to mine the long tail of search terms. Rather, you just write well, be descriptive in what you say, and the natural result is usually very good.
Once in a while though, you have to tweak a page. A page on Christian Infertility called “Leah After Judah” pulls all sorts of ads about Judaism and Judaic symbols. It isn’t at all what the page is about. So tweaking had to be done to eliminate or selectively target the right phrases on the pages.
When creating a product catalog, take advantage of the search engine’s propensity to catalog everything – write visual and evocative descriptions. You’ll benefit two ways: You’ll help people want the item more if they read the description, and you’ll just naturally include another series of relevant keywords that will get picked up and used in a way that may surprise you.
The descriptions need not be long, or complicated. Just imagine you are describing the item to someone who cannot see it, and who may not know what it is for. Include colors, features, and some phrases to get them thinking about how to use it, or how they’ll feel when they use it. For example:
“Soft and snuggly throw rug. Cuddle up by the fire and enjoy a winter evening with someone you love. Forest green and black colors give this blanket a woodsy feel. Cotton polyester blend is itch-free, soft, and easy to care for.”
Nothing remarkable about that description. It gives an emotional setting, an accurate description, and some adjectives. It will increase the appeal of the item to both search engines and people.
Of course, if you find that you come out on top for searches on the term “itchy blanket”, you’d want to change something. Otherwise, you can probably sit back and watch something unexpected and good happen, just because you took the time to write something natural, and thoughtful.
Update: This page is now pulling search engine results for the term “ugly man”!
How to Produce Truly Awful Software
The software world is becoming more competitive, and in light of this increased competition, it becomes necessary to give some thought as to how to gain supremacy when producing mediocre or truly horrid software. We have developed the following guidelines to help perpetuate the myth that sub-standard software is a necessary interference with productivity:
1. Steal ideas from other developers. This is necessary to develop a product when you have no creativity yourself. If you insist loudly enough, and often enough, that it was your idea, people will eventually believe you.
2. Prosecute, vigorously, anyone who tries to develop an idea even remotely similar to yours. It does not matter that you stole the idea to begin with.
3. Buy out the competition. This is the best option for squashing upstarts who come up with a truly original idea. This is essential if the idea threatens you with obsolescence. If it is something people really want, you can release your own buggy version a year later, and then use it as proof that the idea was not very good to start with, or, alternately, take credit for the whole thing if you do get it to work on your existing clumsy foundation.
4. Bloat is Beautiful. If there is a more cumbersome and awkward way to write code, use it. If you can increase the size of the program, and the resources it demands, do so. This achieves a range of objectives, from annoyance, to giving the appearance that you actually added something useful to the program.
5. Require as much RAM as possible. This will place an increased financial burden on the users, as well as perpetuating the technological tradition of planned obsolescence. If you also produce computer systems, you are in a win-win situation. You may also buy stock in companies that produce memory chips, and you’ll be able to assure your future financial base.
6. Add unnecessary features. Make them look really good, so it appears that you tried to please your customers. This tactic is especially useful in achieving maximum bloat and memory usage. It has the further benefit of slowing down operations, placing an additional burden on the computer, and interfering with productivity. Unnecessary features need not be stable, unexpected errors, hangs, and restarts serve to lower the overall expectation of quality.
7. Any new feature which is introduced must be accompanied by at least 10 new bugs. Less than this will foster unrealistic expectations of quality in the minds of your users. If possible, bugs should conform to the following ratios:
- 1 in 10 should be serious enough to stop the feature from performing at all, on at least 1/3 of all computers.
- 2 in 10 should cause the computer to require restarting. Complete failure to respond, when multiple programs are opened with unsaved work is optimal.
- 2 in 10 should cause the program to close without warning, or to hang and fail to respond. Under no circumstances should there be a pattern to these behaviors. Corruption of documents in progress is an added bonus.
- The remaining 5 of 10 should produce random annoyances such as inappropriate responses to menu commands, dramatic system slowdown, cryptic error messages, failure to open compatible documents, etc.
Patches and updates should promise solutions to these problems, but should not actually provide them.
8. Plumb the potential of dialog boxes. Dialog boxes with unhelpful information should appear at random. You can use them to notify the user of system processes which they do not need to know about (or do not care about), produce error messages which are not related to any action the user performed, or to delineate steps to a process which could be done in a single step.
9. Confirm everything. The simpler the task, the more annoying it is to confirm it. The less likely people are to make a mistake, the more important it is to put in a dialog box to confirm the task. This feature is a cardinal hallmark of bad software, and helps to keep the annoyance factor high, and the user expectations low, so do not overlook it when putting the finishing touches on your masterpiece.
10. Create the illusion of security on the surface. This will relieve you of the obligation of providing meaningful security protection, while giving you the added benefit of being able to create further interference with productivity. The following dialog (or the written equivalent) should be used as often as possible:
“Your computer is doing something that may present a risk. You may have started this process on purpose, or it may be starting without your knowledge. This process may be harmful to your computer – just because you started it does not mean it is not dangerous. This process may cause considerable harm to your computer, up to, and including, total data loss. On the other hand, this process may be necessary to the function of your computer, and failure to allow it to continue may seriously compromise your ability to use the computer to perform essential functions. Click Yes if you wish to continue this process. Click No if you wish to discontinue this process.”
This warning may be followed by small print, reading: “Continuing this process may void your warranty.”
11. Silence your critics. Use creative methods to punish your critics, while rewarding people who praise your software.
12. Force your users to upgrade. This removes the ability for users to choose an older, more stable version of software over a newer, buggy version. Such choices place an unreasonable burden of quality on you, and give the user an excessive degree of control over their own computer.
13. Assume the user is stupid. This assumption opens all kinds of possibilities for maximization of useless dialog boxes, but also allows you to bury necessary controls so that the user cannot locate them. The potential is far greater though, because an assumption of stupidity of the user also relieves you of the obligation of providing anything that is user-friendly, and increases your ability to create more awkward and cumbersome interfaces to interfere with accomplishing simple tasks.
14. Assume the user must be protected from themselves. Ownership of a computer is too great a burden for the average person, but they do not know this, so you must not let them know that you have protected them from themselves. It is best to create the ILLUSION on the surface that they have control of the software, but the real controls should be hidden, and only accessible if someone is aware of the hidden manner of accessing them. This strategy causes untold frustration in the user, as they repeatedly attempt to access the false controls to set necessary configurations or give permissions, not realizing that the controls they are accessing are not the ones they need to access. Naming the real controls and the false ones with the same name further enhances your ability to feel superior and to frustrate the user.
15. When issuing new versions, maximum effort should be taken to introduce a wide range of new (unnecessary, and useless) features, but persistent problems and annoyances should not be repaired. The prettier you can make the new features, the better – this helps achieve your goal of high RAM requirements, and it helps to make it look like you actually added value when in fact you did not. It is easier and more fun to create eye candy than it is to repair deep problems or patch bugs and security holes. Eye candy has the added benefit of being more visually appealing for promotion of the new version, and is easier to promote than stability, enhanced productivity, or greater ease of use.
16. Change the rules. This is most effective if you can establish a standard way of doing things, and then change it after your user base is finally adapted to it. Making the interface less intuitive than it was originally is optimal. A great way to achieve this is to change everything that works, but do not fix the problems.
17. Provide the illusion of automated help. When errors occur, or programs stop responding, provide a dialog box which offers to find a solution to the problem. No further programming is necessary in this feature, other than a progress bar, followed by a message which says that no solution was found, and which instructs the user to visit the software publisher’s website to look for an update. This feature does not provide any useful function, but leaves the user with the feeling that at least you TRIED to help them. This is an easy, and inexpensive way to enhance public relations, without having to actually provide anything of substance.
The software world is advancing, and becoming ever more complex. Keeping software from performing predictably is in the best interest of every software developer, lest computer users feel that good function is a justifiable expectation. It is our hope that this guideline can assist developers in maintaining the status quo, so that profit margins will not be negatively impacted by the expectation of true progress.
If this guideline is adhered to by current developers, we can look forward to wide vistas of ease and profit in the future.
It’s Just Life After Cancer
Alex’s blood tests were ambiguous. They contained “immature cells”. For a kid who has come out of chemo for Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia, that is unsettling news. The lab said they’d get the results confirmed and clarified, and that we’d have to wait until they did. That was on Friday.
Of course, no one was in a hurry over the weekend. Had this been the relapse it very well could have been, the four days that it eventually took just to get the results back could have made a huge difference in his prognosis. Relapse is grim enough as it is, and delays make it worse.
We agonized over the weekend, and through Monday, calling to find out what the status was. We were finally informed on Tuesday afternoon, that he had “reactive cells”. This was their way of telling us that it was normal cells, but cells which are not normally found in the blood (they are normally confined to the marrow). There are three basic times when they come into the blood stream – when the body is reacting to an illness (generally a significant one such as flu or mono, or something else that you know they had), when the body has been subject to trauma, or when the body is stressed by a disease process (cancer can be one of those, or Crohn’s, or other serious but silent illnesses).
To our knowledge, Alex has none of those. His weight had also dropped significantly, and he is looking very skinny and losing strength, feeling fatigued and cranky. Nothing dramatic, but there, and worrisome. The very symptoms he had four years ago at initial diagnosis.
His other blood counts are not typical for a reaction that would normally accompany the presence of reactive cells – no atypical rise or fall in other blood counts. Just this one odd blip, and lymphyocytes on the high side of normal.
But this is, again, all part of living after treatment for cancer. You never see illness the same again. It is not a panicky feeling, though you do worry. And you know, as few parents do, the urgency of getting results in a timely manner. You watch for signs and indications that most parents never think twice about. And it will never go away. There is no known outside range at which B-cell Leukemias have a zero risk for relapsing. It gets less likely over time, but it never completely goes away. You learn to be vigilant – not overreactive, you just pay attention. Because it matters.
We learned things from this. That we were woefully unprepared financially for a crisis of this magnitude. That we are mentally well prepared – we knew within half an hour of the news, just how we would handle it if it were a relapse. We knew within days what our best treatment options would be, and how we’d handle the difficulties that could cause. We knew we’d be ok if it WERE a relapse.
And we learned that four days is far too long to wait for test results. We’ll be using a different lab from now on. One that can determine leukemic blast cells from myelocytes right away.
Alex goes back to the doctor in another week, for a repeat CBC and checkup, to see whether he is still in a decline, or whether he had something going on in the background that he is bouncing back from. So the worst worry is over, but a niggling one remains.
And it probably always will.
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