Backward Glance

Perhaps 10 years ago I was the heaviest I have ever been.  This means something in this world.

• It means you are judged.
• It means you can’t move as well.
• It means you can’t find clothing you like in your size. I feel like I am forced to wear someone else’s clothes.
• If you are ill, or disabled, it means someone is going to get mean about it and blame the weight, rather than assigning the weight to the illness or disability.
• It means Doctors assume your IQ is lower than it really is. And so far THEY haven’t done ONE THING to help with any of it, I have had to learn ways to treat my issues myself.

I have been heavy for 40 years. This body has a HISTORY, and it isn’t one I can explain in a single blog post.

There are always reasons for obesity, and at my weight, obesity is the only word for it. The reasons are many…

• I have a Mitochondrial Complex, and it includes protein processing disorders, carbohydrate processing disorders, a fat processing disorder, a kidney disorder, some muscular and bone disorders, a chemical flushing disorder (I don’t flush toxins well at all), and a growth hormone disorder.
• I have had several illnesses in the past 14 years that have destroyed my immune system, and then others that attacked my liver. Hepatitis for one.
• Hepatitis has given me an enlarged liver, and my stomach protrudes. I always had a figure, with a waistline, so this is distressing to me.
• I had Crohn’s Disease. More than half of people with this disease GAIN weight, and have persistent obesity. I was one of those. But I found a way to treat that (no thanks to the Doctor who told me that the best way to get help for it was to eat Pizza until I crashed and ended up in the ER), and now only ever have mild flares of IBS. But while I had Crohn’s my body went into a habit of hoarding fat. When you don’t extract nutrients from your food very well, the body often hoards… it is an artificial starvation condition, and the body reacts to that. Especially certain genetic heritages.
• My genetic heritage is one that hoards fats and sugars in times of dearth.
• I have an Osteo Degenerative Condition – Resulting from the Mito Complex. A form of brittle bones.  I have stress fractures (back, neck, feet, hips, shoulders, etc), and they heal badly and rebreak easily. They prevent me from walking much, and from engaging in strenuous activities. I am discovering natural treatments for this, so there is hope.  It means I’m sedentary. I don’t have a choice.

But something happened in the last 10 years. I lost some weight.

It was very slow. Perhaps 10 lbs a year, and NOT every year. The sicker I get, the less I lose, but when I’m doing better, my body is changing in a few good ways.

I do have to interrupt here to say I am NOT dieting. Quite the reverse. I eat whatever I want. Fats, sugars, salt, meats, potato chips, starchy carbs and non starchy carbs, gravy, and OH so many condiments. If it sounds good and I can afford to eat it I do. I am no longer afraid of food, I now know it is not the PROBLEM, it is the SOLUTION.

I have lost somewhere around 70 lbs (depends on whose scale you use). It goes up, and down, and up and down, with a variance of 5-10 lbs, and every once in a while it hits a new low, and that is what I count.

I’ve seen the effect on my body as I’ve slowly lost. It is NOT the effect I want.

Did you know what weight comes OFF in a different way than it goes ON?

It goes ON to the legs and the butt and the bosom and shoulders and waist and arms, and even the chin and cheeks and neck.

It comes OFF of the neck and a little off the chin. It comes OFF the upper arms, and butt and thighs, but NOT evenly. It comes OFF the hands and feet. It will ALWAYS come off the bosom before it comes off the waist… Sigh.

I still wear a 3X shirt, but I’m down to a 1X pant. And I wonder why THAT part of my butt shrinks, but the part that really sticks out still sticks out just as far.

And the WRINKLES.

Yertle skin under the chin.

Bags under the eyes.

Flaps under the upper arms, and of course on the stomach.

And the wrinkles on the legs and the butt, you don’t even WANT to know! Just take my word for it, you end up with wrinkles in places you didn’t even know COULD wrinkle.

Over time (years and years), those wrinkles do take up a little, but when you have a Primary Collagen Disorder (that is one of the major components of the  Mitochondrial Complex… An Inborn Error of Collagen Synthesis), skin does not have the elasticity and recovery capacity that it should.

Even so, things ARE a little better. I can move in some ways a little more easily. Hard to judge since the bone and muscle problems make it HARDER to do many things.

I was hoping as I lost weight I’d get something back more like my body in my 20s. Instead, some stranger’s body is taking over, and all the things I want about it don’t count.  I’d really be happy to have a waistline again.

People who are overweight always say they want to lose weight. And they do. And they should.

But if they KNEW what was coming, especially the wrinkles, I think they might not want to do so!